The “Loaded Weapon”


Ever since I started living with my boyfriend I've caught him masturbating. At the beginning he would watch porno and masturbate, I told him this really upset me and he said that he wouldn't do it again. He also eventually got rid of all the porno.

Well everything was good - or at least I think it was, until recently I have caught him masturbating. He doesn't do it to porn, he does it when he goes it bed. (We don't go to bed at the same time; I go to bed much later) Anyways I confronted him about this and told him that it hurts me that he would rather masturbate than be with me. Than a week later, I caught him again. I explained to him again, that I feel that I cant trust him (not that he would cheat, just that he is going to masturbate again) and I told him that it really hurts me and upsets me that he chooses to do this, than be with me. I feel like its my fault. Maybe he doesn't find me attractive. He says that he does, but I am unsure. I doubt our relationship now. Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing man and I love him more than anything. Really the only thing wrong is this. I just don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

Please help. Thank You.



Ok, reality time: you're NEVER going to get him to stop masturbating - NEVER. All you'll ever do is to drive him underground with it. Is that really the type of relationship you want to have? One where your guy is hiding himself from you? I'd sure as hell hope not, but that's exactly where you're going trying to get him to stop it. Eventually, he's going to start hiding all sorts of things from you - and he's going to get so good at it you'll never even know. Trust me on this one - I see it all the time!

His masturbating isn't hurting you at all and he's not doing it to avoid you at all. Stop being such a self-centered, insecure little child and wake up! You're going to tear your relationship apart over Asa Akira absolutely nothing!

Here's more reality: masturbating isn't about love or caring or anything like that. It's about tension relief, pure and simple. It has nothing to do with you - other than the fact that you've made it an issue by being so insecure (and immature) about it! That doesn't bode very well for you, now does it?

In fact, you should be HAPPY about him jerking off! You should even encourage him to do this! Let's face it, making love is incredible, but it's also a lot of hard work. Sometimes, we just need some time alone to explore our own fantasies. This is how we safely grow our own sexualities, and frankly, if YOU aren't masturbating regularly, you're cheating HIM because you can't explore your deepest, most personal sexuality when you're with him either.

Here's even MORE reality: by preventing him from being sexually relieved and living in a comfortable sexual environment, you're actually helping him to cheat on you! (No shit!) Trying to get him to not masturbate means he's walking around with a loaded weapon! He's not going to live with that sort of tension for very long and if he gets the chance to unload that weapon - even if it's not with you - he's going to take it. After all, if he hides a little from you, it's not hard to hide a lot.

GET OVER IT ALREADY! More important: go to him and apologize for all of this! Tell him right away that you realize what's going on and that you never want him to hide anything from you ever again. You made a mistake by demanding he stop masturbating because you were thinking only of yourself and relationships aren't about "ourselves" at all. They're about the people we're with - and their comfort and happiness too.

You might even add this to your sex lives as an adjunct. You can masturbate together and get off on watching each other if you haven't already done so much damage here that he can't. I just hope for your sake (and the sake of your relationship) that's not the case.

Relationships are fragile things Vanessa! They can easily be destroyed with such ridiculous things.

Best regards...


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Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. Having written 3 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World" series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive.

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